Several young men have asked me, “How did you know you were ready to get married?” If not that exactly, it’s been a variation of the same question. These young men are considering marriage and want to know if it’s safe to take that leap over the broom. I have a special place in my heart for those seeking to understand marriage before getting into it. I’m always extremely honored when anyone finds my marriage to be one that they would want to mirror, or my insight on marriage to be worth listening to. For the sake that I’m not always able to deal with everyone personally, I’ve constructed the following list of 5 things that I would advise men to consider before marrying. This is not an exhaustive list, but it is what I would recommend to men who inquire of my pre-marital counsel.
1. Are You A Man? (Ecclesiastes 12:13)
Marriage is a covenant relationship that requires both a Man and a Woman. Not a “male” and a woman. Anyone who is born male can have the likeness of a Man.
2. Have You Left Your Father and Mother? (Genesis 2:24)
A husband is the head of his house; not his parents house. Do you call the shots where you live? Do you execute this leading position well? Is your home reasonably kept? Are your bills paid in a timely fashion? Most importantly, is the presence and dominion of God evident in your home? You will be bringing a woman into yourself, and into your home. It will be beneficial to have lived on your own, established independence, and mapped the lay of the land(finding out what does and doesn’t work in home & finance by trial & error) before taking a wife. You don’t want to bring a woman into a situation of debt, disorganization, and instability. You are not marrying a woman to have her untangle the mess you’ve made of your own life. You want to bring her into an atmosphere where the two of you can grow together, independent of the regular contribution and interference of others.
3. Have You Studied Marriage? (Proverbs 20:25)
Marriage is a life-long commitment. It is the second biggest decision you will ever make besides that of giving your life to Christ. Committing to anything without first examining what you are committing, or committing to, is foolish. This will only lead to great disappointment, regret, and the potential for destroying your own life and that of others. Marriage is not a game. It’s not a fancy badge to show off to friends and family, and it’s not the “happily ever after” that we see in cartoons. Marriage takes work! Hard work! But even if you work hard, your work will be in vain if you don’t know how Marriage properly operates. You can swing a bat all day long. But if you never step into the batter’s box and look at the ball coming at you, you will never hit a homerun. The same is true of Marriage. Do you know why Marriage exists? Do you truly understand submission? Do you have an understanding of headship? How will things change in your household with the introduction of children? What is the role of the father? What is the role of the mother? Are you studying Marriage on your own, or under the tutelage of someone who has actually been or is married? From my own experience I can tell you that I did not understand many of the finer points of marriage until I had been married a few years. It was only the Grace of God that allowed my Marriage to persevere through that time. Most marriages don’t! So when I say study Marriage, I don’t mean simply read the Scriptures concerning Marriage. I mean get counseling, watch and observe others, ask questions, take notes, get quizzed; actually STUDY! Your life will be the test, and you can not afford to fail.
4. Can You Provide For Your Bride? (I Timothy 5:8)
Your job as a husband is not to provide the “American Dream” for your wife and children. However, you do have the task of providing the needs of your family. While money is not everything in Marriage, it does count for something, and it is a part of the pie. You deceive yourself if you think otherwise. Is your financial situation stable enough to support the needs of both you and your wife without her financial assistance? You are not marrying a woman to live off of her. If the woman you desire to marry is “the final piece” to your puzzle of success, you need to re-examine your motives. If you are not in need of her financial assistance to live, it will be a further assurance to a woman that she is coming into a home of stability, and not taking on a burden. A man should have something to offer a woman other than physical affections. Assess your financial standing diligently; and by Faith, God will fill the gaps if He is truly calling you to marry. A wife should be able to rely on her husband for physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial support. If you are unable to provide the needs(food, shelter, clothing) of your wife, now is not the time for you to marry.
5. Have You Chosen A “Wife?” (Proverbs 18:22)
Every woman you meet or find attractive is not a “wife.” A “wife” is a “wife” far before she ever has a ring on, or walks down an isle. She is reverent in both speech and dress, and displays the character of a Godly woman. She is content with her God, and does not deal in foolishness, or idle time wasting. The BET & MTV diva of the week doesn’t qualify. The young lady at the bus stop with more breast exposed than most woman have in total, does not qualify. The loud, arrogant, and fierce of tongue do not qualify. A woman who is a “wife” will recognize a “Man.
