After watching Tyler Perry's film, "Divorce In The Black," I had one pervasive thought at the conclusion of the film. I can sum up the thought in two brief, very simple words: BE CAREFUL.
I am not yet a film writer, nor am I a qualified film critic. My greatest reflection after the film didn't move me to critique, but to caution. My caution isn't for those like Mr. Perry who created the content. My caution isn't even for the general viewer. My caution is for the married person, whose marriage is in a state of trouble. Perhaps even for the newly divorced person, who like the person with the troubled marriage, just watched this film, and said to themselves, "That's us!" "That was our situation, almost exactly!" It's my belief, as a divorced person, that having these feelings after watching is particularly dangerous.
I say this, because though there are some situations that look very much like what played out on screen between Ava & Dallas, this is not the story of the the majority of troubled marriages or divorced couples. DITB did however tell the story that many divorced couples tell themselves and others about their relationships. That being, that there is a clear-cut victim, and a clear-cut villain. Someone is clearly doing right, and the other is clearly doing wrong. Someone is sane, and someone is crazy. And not only are they crazy, but their mother, brothers, and their whole family is crazy too!
Many people in troubled marriages or those who have experienced divorce tell themselves that they were the one who fought for the marriage and took their vow seriously, while their partner went about the business of sabotage and tore the house down with their own hands. They believe that they're the "good-guy," in the story. And their partner is not only the "bad-guy," but is also in need of major spiritual and psychological help. Help that you'll take, but don't really need, except to heal from the wounds you've developed from years of being abused by the "bad-guy."
While there actually are a few situations out there that virtually mirror Ava & Dallas' relationship in DITB, the majority of troubled marriages and divorces are not nearly this cut & dry with regard to how they fell from where they started. Sure, most fights begin because someone threw a first punch. But how many of us have truly sat back and taken the blows without countering and throwing a few shots of our own? And if/when we do, we justify our actions saying, "They did it first! We would have never been in this situation if it wasn't for them starting it!"
In some marriages, someone may start off as a true victim of their partner's actions. If what that person has chosen to forgive and work through isn't truly forgiven and processed appropriately, that person may remain in that marriage long enough to see themselves become the "villain." If not by committing similar offenses against their partner, then by harshly punishing their partner. Either by denying intimacy, refusing to let the past go, or both.
While some marriages end due to the egregious actions of one person, the majority of failed marriages come to an end because of the collective short-comings of two people who could not work together to overcome the obstacles they faced. It often isn't so simple to designate an "at fault" party. Typically, both parties bare far more blame than they are personally willing to admit.
Regardless of cultural shifts that now see divorce as a reason to celebrate, divorce is usually anything but. The lives of men, women, and children can change forever when divorce occurs. And while there is grace to start fresh and begin anew, we should not take this grace for granted by rushing to divorce, or seeking it as an option, absent of just cause.
My hope is that those who may be near divorce would consider their own failures more carefully than they do those of their partner. I likewise hope that those who are divorced would not remain as bound outside the marriage as you may have been within it, by refusing to forgive and let go of the deeds of your ex. It is my prayer that you would allow the LORD to heal you before you do anything else; especially get married again.
Sometimes, we think we are not spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically "in the red." A closer look may show us just how far away from being "in the black" we really are. Please be careful. Be careful about the way you see and judge others. But be most careful about the way you see and judge yourself.
